The most controversial thing I may have ever done in my entire life was:
#1 - I decided to be happy without having children.
For a woman, especially in rural, mid-western America this decision was unthinkable. Almost unpardonable. Shocking and inhuman to some and pitied by others. My husband and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage experiencing the almost daily heartbreak of infertility. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the culprit, so it was my body that denied us parenthood. The guilt was like a stone around my neck that jumped up to hit me in the face each time a friend showed off baby pictures or I heard of a teenage girl who had gone and got "in trouble". I felt like a failure as a woman and wife. However I did find that I was blessed with a man who had not married me "for my ability to reproduce".
First comes LOVE: To an overweight girl of 23 years that had never previously dated, it was a surprise in and of itself to be married before I was 23 and a half.
Than comes MARRIAGE: To a brilliant, kind man that makes me laugh everyday. He daily shows he loves me through little acts of service and telling me how much he loves me. He calls me beautiful and he's so sincere I actually believe him.
Then comes me with a BABY carriage: It didn't happen.
After 6 years of "trying" to conceive, including one adoption attempt where the birth mother backed out of at 7 months pregnant, we decided to be happy just as the two of us. 6 months of fertility drugs turned me into a harpy of mythical proportions. I detested the person it made me: unkind, irritable, depressed and angry all the time. No one really talks about how hard these treatments are, not to mention the extremely low success rate of live births. It's not pretty or exciting...or encouraging. It's heartbreaking and ugly, and I wish more people realized this truth.
"Aren't there treatments for that sort of thing?" or "Oh, well. You can just adopt" or better yet "Have you ever THOUGHT of adoption?" All well meaning questions that completely sucked, leaving me with no reply and a lump in my throat.
And so I decided to be happy instead.
#2 - I believe that happiness is a choice. Period.
Only you can choose to be happy. Wonderful things can land in your lap and you can be miserable. The rash of Hollywood personalities that have met their end by drug overdose proves this. However you can also have everything go wrong and keep joy in your heart and peace in your soul. I am blessed to have two parents living this one out everyday right now; an undeniable example to our family and community over the past year. No one can make you happy and attempting to place that responsibility on another person is frankly cruel.
So for 7 years I was child free and happy!
#1 - I decided to be happy without having children.
For a woman, especially in rural, mid-western America this decision was unthinkable. Almost unpardonable. Shocking and inhuman to some and pitied by others. My husband and I spent the first 6 years of our marriage experiencing the almost daily heartbreak of infertility. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the culprit, so it was my body that denied us parenthood. The guilt was like a stone around my neck that jumped up to hit me in the face each time a friend showed off baby pictures or I heard of a teenage girl who had gone and got "in trouble". I felt like a failure as a woman and wife. However I did find that I was blessed with a man who had not married me "for my ability to reproduce".
First comes LOVE: To an overweight girl of 23 years that had never previously dated, it was a surprise in and of itself to be married before I was 23 and a half.
Than comes MARRIAGE: To a brilliant, kind man that makes me laugh everyday. He daily shows he loves me through little acts of service and telling me how much he loves me. He calls me beautiful and he's so sincere I actually believe him.
Then comes me with a BABY carriage: It didn't happen.
After 6 years of "trying" to conceive, including one adoption attempt where the birth mother backed out of at 7 months pregnant, we decided to be happy just as the two of us. 6 months of fertility drugs turned me into a harpy of mythical proportions. I detested the person it made me: unkind, irritable, depressed and angry all the time. No one really talks about how hard these treatments are, not to mention the extremely low success rate of live births. It's not pretty or exciting...or encouraging. It's heartbreaking and ugly, and I wish more people realized this truth.
"Aren't there treatments for that sort of thing?" or "Oh, well. You can just adopt" or better yet "Have you ever THOUGHT of adoption?" All well meaning questions that completely sucked, leaving me with no reply and a lump in my throat.
And so I decided to be happy instead.
#2 - I believe that happiness is a choice. Period.
Only you can choose to be happy. Wonderful things can land in your lap and you can be miserable. The rash of Hollywood personalities that have met their end by drug overdose proves this. However you can also have everything go wrong and keep joy in your heart and peace in your soul. I am blessed to have two parents living this one out everyday right now; an undeniable example to our family and community over the past year. No one can make you happy and attempting to place that responsibility on another person is frankly cruel.
So for 7 years I was child free and happy!
Married in May of 2000, in late 2006 I asked God to change the desire of my heart and allow me to be happy in my life - and I was. So many of the opportunities that would have been denied to us as parents were ours for the taking, and we took quite a few! We became dedicated musicians and started a theater production in what we optimistically called our "free time". We adopted a two Pembroke Welsh Corgis and lavished pseudo-parental affection all over them and over our two cats we've have since early in our marriage.
I didn't go to baby showers, except for my sister's. I did co-host all three of my younger sister's baby showers. Several people asked my mom if I had cried when I found out my sister was pregnant with her first child. I had been trying to conceive for a few year by that time and the answer is "Yes". But was not out of resentment, anger, bitterness, or anything like that. It was relief. I was so happy she wasn't going to have to go through what I was experiencing. I wouldn't wish my grief on my worst enemy, if I had one. I read once that the grief and devastation felt as result of infertility is similar to receiving a cancer diagnosis. I can easily believe that.
Anyway, I didn't attend baby showers - but I always sent a gift. No since giving up shopping. I watched movies like Up and Julie & Julia (they both have infertility moments) and wept my way through multiple tissues. I read articles about other childless women from time to time just so that I didn't feel alone and isolated. I didn't help much, but it was better than nothing. I even gave a phone interview once to an author in California about my experience of living life after deciding to live child free following being involuntarily childless for so long. It was all my way of coping. I just didn't think about any of it anymore than I could help.
I think that's where I got myself in trouble a little bit.
#3 - I ignored the obvious.
Four months of no monthly curse and I was so annoyed! Sure I was gaining weight...again. I'd lost weight months before but it rarely stayed off. That's the nature of PCOS. I had really great hair and my brittle nails were actually not breaking off as easily these days. I'll spare you the details of some other physical changes that caused my bras size to alter. Standard operating procedure when evil, girly, crampy things were stalled was to take a pregnancy test and then take my herbs and essential oils to get my once again derailed physical issues back on track. A test was just the responsible adult thing to do. No test in my life had ever been positive, not once in 13 years.
On October 9, 2013 that changed in a big way.
I didn't go to baby showers, except for my sister's. I did co-host all three of my younger sister's baby showers. Several people asked my mom if I had cried when I found out my sister was pregnant with her first child. I had been trying to conceive for a few year by that time and the answer is "Yes". But was not out of resentment, anger, bitterness, or anything like that. It was relief. I was so happy she wasn't going to have to go through what I was experiencing. I wouldn't wish my grief on my worst enemy, if I had one. I read once that the grief and devastation felt as result of infertility is similar to receiving a cancer diagnosis. I can easily believe that.
Anyway, I didn't attend baby showers - but I always sent a gift. No since giving up shopping. I watched movies like Up and Julie & Julia (they both have infertility moments) and wept my way through multiple tissues. I read articles about other childless women from time to time just so that I didn't feel alone and isolated. I didn't help much, but it was better than nothing. I even gave a phone interview once to an author in California about my experience of living life after deciding to live child free following being involuntarily childless for so long. It was all my way of coping. I just didn't think about any of it anymore than I could help.
I think that's where I got myself in trouble a little bit.
#3 - I ignored the obvious.
Four months of no monthly curse and I was so annoyed! Sure I was gaining weight...again. I'd lost weight months before but it rarely stayed off. That's the nature of PCOS. I had really great hair and my brittle nails were actually not breaking off as easily these days. I'll spare you the details of some other physical changes that caused my bras size to alter. Standard operating procedure when evil, girly, crampy things were stalled was to take a pregnancy test and then take my herbs and essential oils to get my once again derailed physical issues back on track. A test was just the responsible adult thing to do. No test in my life had ever been positive, not once in 13 years.
On October 9, 2013 that changed in a big way.
I was 36 a year old, married woman. I live the country, in "cornfield county" Ohio, and I am actively involved in church. Women of my demographic have at least one child by now, usually two, and frequently four or more children. I was the odd woman out. My friends were mostly in their 20's simply because our schedules meshed so we had met and had time for one another. I didn't really have any "mom friends". I realized that needed to change!
But there was no time. On October 14, I was told that I was 35 weeks pregnant - give or take a couple weeks - and that it was a girl.
...to be continued...
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